I'm currently working as an artist for a start-up game company. I'm not exactly sure what I can divulge at the moment, but it's very reasonable to say that this is a completely new world to me.
In every respect it is the most exciting work I've ever done, but also the most terrifying! I am the only artist on the team which leaves me (almost) solely responsible for the aesthetics and visual quality of the final product. I want to do my best to fulfil my role in a way that reflects the trust and responsibility that my colleagues have given me but as a person, I can be self-critical to a fault. I am in no way a fantastic artist - I would honestly consider myself to be very average. After I left school I stopped a lot of my artistic pursuits (which were mostly recreational at that point) in favour of getting to grips with what my undergraduate degree required of me. After graduation I never really got back into the swing of things before I decided to move onto my postgraduate degree as well. During the years that passed an increasing sense of disquiet took hold of me. Just as my world-view was broadening, that embarrassing and cocky self-assurance that, "I'm one of the arty girls in class", began to shrink in light of the reality of my situation. Taking on this job feels, in many ways, like I'm taking on these kinds of character flaws of mine and saying, "Okay. Well, what can I do to fix this? Am I doing my best to improve the things I think need improvement, or am I just sitting around worrying about them?" Up until recently, I'd say I was letting my doubts get in the way of my aspirations and it was a combination of luck and good connections that landed me in my current occupation. I've been given a great opportunity to try and address my insecurities in a tangible way. Practice will always trump 'talent' but the entire concept seems remarkably over-simplified when described like that. "Grit", is a term that I've become quite fond of. I think people (including myself) have underestimated the amount of grit necessary to achieve improvement in any aspect of life, be it languages, employment, weight-loss (or gain!) etc. It takes a lot of grit to practice something for hours, look back at it, be miserable with the result and go, "Okay - let's try this again", over and over. I've been stuck on the "miserable" and I'm determined to change that.

One of the things I'd really like to write about in this Journal is the role of women in the Games Industry. It's not a topic that I'm actually very comfortable with, because I often feel nervous by the idea that a gender divide can be "good" or "bad". I feel like debates on the topic can sometimes suffer tunnel-vision, and I really feel it is an area that is almost unfair to men to discuss at times. If I was a male in a male-dominated industry, I wouldn't feel comfortable airing some of the thoughts I have on the matter, for fear of being called sexist. Recently, I accidently sparked off a very heated (though fascinating to read) discussion on this topic and as a woman in the games industry, I was up all night trying to reconcile my thoughts on the matter. I'll probably come back to this topic in another entry but, I suppose I just wanted to record my thoughts now before I forget.